She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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