you didnt know i had herpes?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
