I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I touched a dick in church today
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
