He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
