yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
