I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
