just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize