Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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