The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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