yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
