Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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