One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
