I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
