You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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