Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize