not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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