morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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