Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
