You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
