I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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