There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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