I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
