i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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