the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize