We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
