there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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