MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
