I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize