Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
and you fell through a lawn chair
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
