loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I think people are normalizing furries
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
