this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
