I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Two words: nipple clamps
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