apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
