Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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