Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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