Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
