I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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