lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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