i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
