Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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