He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
