3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
