I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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