My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
