i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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