We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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