Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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