It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
But theres a keg here and me gusta
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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