so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
