Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
