i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
