She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
