I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Michael Bay diarrhea
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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