If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
