You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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