I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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