you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
