walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
