Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
