I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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