He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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